For years now, one of the highlights of the holiday season for my family has been our Advent Calendar. It’s a lovely little tabletop oak cabinet, painted burgundy, and features 24 mini compartments – each with its own door and knob. My husband and I pull it out after Thanksgiving, along with all of the other holiday decor, in anticipation for a fun and festive Christmas season.

When our girls were little, we’d enjoy filling the compartments with fun things that would fit inside – nothing extravagant, just small items like chapsticks, pencil eraser tops, coins, wrapped candies, etc. But as the kids grew older, the things we thought they would enjoy didn’t always fit inside the tiny compartments. For those that didn’t, we’d instead leave notes inside the cubbies, turning the activity into a scavenger hunt around the house – a clue on folded paper that led to new pairs of warm socks hidden under the couch, nail polish hidden in the hall table drawer, etc. But some of those pieces of paper eventually became, do something nice for someone today and share it with us at dinner, take the dog for a walk on a new route around the neighborhood, or one of my favorites, help mom with something around the house without being asked.

The receiving season had turned more into the giving season!

Now that our girls have reached adulthood, and no longer live with us 24/7 during the month of December, I’ve had to think of another creative way to continue our family’s Advent tradition. While giving is truly the reason for the season, they thankfully already embody that character trait as awesome humans that share their gifts with the world on a daily basis (no longer in need of a nudge from our Advent cabinet!) I have, therefore, begun to take a different approach, especially with the post-Covid world’s need to integrate more personal wellness into daily routines.

Linked below is my solution – 24 self-care activities. Take a peek, and feel free to print and forward to anyone you think would like or benefit from it. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, it could simply be a fun December wellness adventure. It would also be a nice addition (or healthier replacement!) to the chocolate Advent calendars that are oh-so-tempting at market checkout lines.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did in preparing it, and that well-being and self care continue to be a primary focus for us all as we successfully move through this holiday season and into a new year.

Happy Holidays!

Wellness Advent Calendar

I’m often asked how I came up with the name for my litetherapy site. Is it just about sharing ideas and information to make life a little brighter? A play-on-words with light therapy – the beneficial treatment that uses daylight or artificial light to boost mood during darker months? A more light-hearted resource for those who find traditional therapy too stigmatic? Something else?

Well friends, it’s all of the above – but it’s that “something else” component I’ve personally found most valuable during these recent COVID months.

There’s tons of content out in the world about happiness – finding happiness, being happy, and now even toxic happiness for those who have had just about enough of all the happiness talk! I do love all things positive, though, having devoted numerous hours of study to the science of well-being. What I’ve come to realize over the years is that having an overall sense of wellness comes down to finding the right tool or tools that enable an internal deep dive.

We all possess a light within and it’s in the discovering or re-discovering it that taps into our happy place. I’m talking about that moment in which you are fully present, logically recognize yourself as an individual who must be here for a reason, and feel a sense of peace in this awareness. It’s regularly connecting with that kind of light – the light within – that has proven to be my wellness weapon.

So how does one go about connecting with this light? If you already know what works for you, then yay! Please share it below in the comments to inspire others on their light therapy journey. For those who aren’t yet sure, I recommend exploring different strategies. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another so trial and error is key.

For me, it’s regularly finding time first thing in the morning to sit quietly with my coffee as an opportunity for self-reflection and inspiration (even if that means getting up super early before the rest of the house!), or getting outside for a walk or swim later in the day to clear my mental cobwebs. While daily practice isn’t always an option or reality (and that’s okay when it isn’t!), it’s the shooting for consistency that I’ve found to be key in reaching my inner light.

For some, I know it’s journaling or yoga that enables them to reach their happy place and feel more centered. For others, it’s singing, dancing, reading, painting, cooking, fishing, meditating (even focusing on the breath for just a few moments), practicing being more present (mindfulness)…there are many possibilities. But I do believe we all have the ability to reach that desired peaceful state – even if only for a few fleeting moments at a time – when we put our minds to it.

The greatest news about this kind of light therapy is that you can start today. To quote one of my favorite motivational speakers, Wayne Dyer, “Everything you need you already have.”

If you have lungs, go ahead and download a breathing or meditation app to see if that is your thing. If you have feet and a pair of shoes, get outside and walk. If you have paper and a pencil, start journaling in a quiet place for a short while and build up to longer sessions. The key is to try different tools until you feel some type of connection. Once you find something that resonates, continue with that activity and turn the practice into a habit.

So what do you say? Ready to take a deep dive and explore that light within? I think you’ll be happier for it.

Such an unprecedented time we find ourselves in with the COVID-19 virus running its course throughout the world. As the parent of a college age child and one soon to be in college (or perhaps some online version of that come fall), I had originally thought this pandemic would pass through the US in a few weeks. My attitude was actually that I’d finally gotten the family vacation I’d been wanting – minus the exotic location.

We were all home together again, just as it had been for so many years prior. I have to say, I was enjoying it. Yes, things would’ve been different had a loved one been ill, lost a job, was working on the front lines, or if I had young children who needed moment-to-moment assistance with online learning or juggling time on a sole family computer. But that was not my reality, for which I’m infinitely grateful.

My March and April had simply shifted into low gear and evenings were filled with the following questions: what game should we play tonight? What puzzle should we attempt now? What movie should we watch? What should we make for dinner? But after slowly working through the puzzles in our home, reading the books we once hoped to have time for (which we now had way too much time for), watching many a movie (then the rest of that movie’s entire series), hoping that Saturday Night Live would return again to make us laugh (then realize SNL had just hosted its season finale), etc., it soon became apparent this was going to last a lot longer than I had thought.

Something as simple as going to the grocery store – man, remember what that used to be like? – had become a stressful experience. I used to love going to the grocery store and thinking up tasty new menu ideas for our family to enjoy while strolling through the aisles. Strolling through the aisles? That’s the olden days now, people. Shopping excursions today officially just suck. My focus solely has become getting in and out as safely and quickly as possible, while handling my parents’ list as well to help keep them healthy too. The best aspect of meal planning these days is deciding what local restaurant or business to support next.

Some weeks pass slowly, some more quickly. Heck, I learned to master Zoom (I’d never even heard of that platform back in February) with the help of family, friends, and colleagues. I’d rekindled my affinity for sewing while making masks out of my husband’s old, frayed Vineyard Vine shirts (I knew that cute fabric would come in handy one day), completed our taxes, and dusted off my to-do list. But then reality hit. I remember it vividly. While watching local news, the broadcaster began, “Reporting from week 9 of shelter at home here in California…” Excuse me, did he say “week 9”?

I realized in that moment that I needed to take better advantage of this quarantine time, not only for myself, but to encourage others to do so as well. Let’s achieve more than this virus is trying to take from us, I thought, and seize the opportunity to make positive change in our lives.

I was now determined to start accomplishing my wishes with this extra time. That’s right, my wishes. Call them goals if you’d prefer something less fairy-godmother-, genie-in-a-bottle-sounding, but one of my first ones was to share what I recently learned about wish fulfillment with as many people as possible.

So here I am!

I discovered this unique tool while taking an online course by Yale University. The tool is called WOOP. That’s right, WOOP. The program is described as “a science-based mental strategy that people can use to find and fulfill their wishes, set preferences, and change their habits.” It sounds challenging, but the beauty is that it just takes a few minutes each day, and could help change the course of one’s life.

WOOP was researched and developed by a psychologist named Gabriele Oettingen. The WOOP acronym stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan. It’s a super simple concept to learn, and the best way I’ve found yet to work through my wishes – in the categories of professional, health or interpersonal. The best thing I’ve found the WOOP tool offers vs. other goal-setting strategies is that it makes you really think about how you will fulfill your wish by examining what’s potentially keeping you from doing so.

In addition, WOOP helps you decide what your wishes really are (note that they should be challenging but something you can fulfill), fine-tune them, and perhaps even realize that a wish you have isn’t really the one you want. It’s already been a more effective process for me than my former way of writing down a list of New Year’s Resolutions in January, trying my best for a few weeks, and ending up seeing many of them right back on my list the following year.

Oettingen’s program recommends the following:

WOOP every day

WOOP to sort things out

WOOP when you feel uneasy

Stressed out? Make a WOOP!

So what’s your wish today? In one month? Over a longer time period? Let WOOP help you. Give it a try and I hope you find value in it. All it takes is an investment of just a few minutes a day (at the same time is apparently ideal). The simple program overview and instructions can be found at woopmylife.org. There’s also a WOOP app, but I’d visit the website first to learn the basics. I found the program overview and instructions there to be more clear for a beginner.

So let’s get WOOPing, people! And may the WOOP be with you.

Eight has always been my favorite number. It’s perfectly proportioned, considered lucky in Chinese culture, the star of my favorite childhood game (Magic 8 Ball), and reminds me of the infinity sign when placed on it’s side. Pretty cool stuff. It is also frequently the recommended amount of healthy things, such as eight 8-oz glasses of water each day, and eight hours of sleep per night. It’s that last one, though, that has me all riled up.

I used to be the best sleeper, rarely having trouble making it through the night. But lately it’s been getting more difficult for me to do much less hit the recommended eight hour bar for adults. Why, I wondered? I recently shared this frustration with my dentist of all people when she asked how things were going. Despite our somewhat broken chats in between metal tools maneuvering around my pearly whites, I’m thankful to have shared my sleep concerns.

She agreed with how challenging it can be on days following a poor sleep night (much less multiple nights). She told me about a great book she discovered recently on the topic of sleep. Perhaps it could help me uncover a better understanding behind my newfound lack of Zs? Sure, why not. I always love a good book recommendation.

Well folks, if there is one non-fiction book you read this year, this is it: Why We Sleep, by Matthew Walker, PhD. It helped shed some light on why I might not be sleeping as well, and that I am justified in my concerns about the amount of sleep I’m (not) getting. And Walker would know. In addition to writing his noteworthy book, he is the director of UC Berkeley’s Center for Human Sleep Science, and has spent 20 plus years studying the topic.

The book presents oodles of interesting data in an easy-to-understand format on what turns out to be a surprisingly serious topic. A lack of sufficient sleep affects so many facets of our lives, such as memory, mood, the ability to safely drive a car, potential misdiagnosis, even being productive at work and school, just to name a few. And according to Walker, “The silent sleep loss epidemic is the greatest public health challenge we face in the 21st century in developed nations.”

What?! We’re talking about sleep here people – you know, that free thing we all have access to? But somehow getting those eight hours (even more recommended for teens) has become easier said than done. Getting a good night’s sleep also seems to have developed a stigma in our society (e.g., important people don’t have time to sleep). And forget about napping (e.g., lazy people nap), which turns out to be a healthy idea! After exploring the research findings yourself, you may discover that this misguided mindset about sleep’s value is what’s keeping you from your best life.

I consider this post a public service announcement to my friends, family and fellow parents. Do what you can to make sure everyone in your family is getting a healthy dose of sleep.

Let’s start with just a few concerning things for a person consistently getting a less than desirable level of sleep. Walker presents the following points quite early on in the reading:

• Routinely sleeping less than six or seven hours a night demolishes your immune system, more than doubling your risk of cancer.
• Inadequate sleep is a key lifestyle factor determining whether or not you will develop Alzheimer’s disease.
• Sleep disruption further contributes to all major psychiatric conditions, including depression, anxiety and suicidality.

While I’m not an alarmist, if there’s something I can do now to make my days even fuller, in addition to increase my chances of warding off disease in the future, I’m game.

I consider this post a public service announcement to my friends, family and fellow parents. Do what you can to make sure everyone in your family is getting a healthy dose of sleep. Ok, our dog probably doesn’t need more sleep since that’s pretty much what she excels in, but I’d say the get-more-sleep mantra applies to the rest of us. And I don’t use the word “dose” lightly; sleep is apparently being prescribed by doctors more frequently now than ever before. What has the world come to if we need a prescription for sleep in order to take it seriously?

As a parent of two, I’ve heard the buzz about teens needing more sleep in order to better handle classes and the challenges life throws their way. Of course it makes logical sense that they would need a good amount of sleep to support their still-developing brains and ability to absorb new material at school. But can’t they just make up for a crazy week at school by sleeping in on weekends? Apparently not, especially if that crazy schedule is an ongoing occurrence.

For starters, those zero period classes scheduled early in the morning? They’ve got to go in order to give adolescents access to valuable sleep benefits only obtainable at certain times of day based on one’s natural circadian rhythm.

“It is the lack of REM sleep – that critical stage occurring in the final hours of sleep that we strip from our children and teenagers by way of early start times – that creates the difference between a stable and unstable mental state,” Walker shares. What a frightening reality for a family that’s always on the go, or that casually thinks getting even six hours of sleep each night is considered ok.

Well, full disclosure, folks. Both of my kids experienced the zero period in high school. Wanting the best teacher who taught early in the day, or fitting in enough honors and elective classes was the norm in our world. Had I known then what I know now, I would not have been ok with their schedules. I’m happy to report that both of my kids are on board with this healthier mindset and no longer join in on the early morning course overload. Better late than never, I say! And our family is much happier and healthier for it.

With a new school year fast-approaching, please think twice before being okay with your student registering for that early morning zero period class. There’s still time to change it, and it could make all the difference in having the healthiest school year possible.

Another surprising point I encountered in Why We Sleep is that trying to pull an all-nighter to cram for something (e.g., study for a test, prepare for a presentation) is not as helpful as one thinks. The brain apparently continues to process recently learned information during sleep, which is a required step for memorization.

“If you don’t sleep the very first night after learning, you lose the chance to consolidate those memories,” Walker explains. “Sleep for memory consolidation is an all-or-nothing event,” he continues.

If the goal is learning, it’s therefore a better choice to get a good sleep night after preparing instead of staying up all night trying to memorize things that your brain could do more effectively while asleep. So next time you think about posting that picture on social media at 4am showing everyone how cool you are for staying up with the help of a huge mug of coffee, turn off the light and get to sleep so your brain can continue processing. I for one will think you’re much cooler for it!

Another rather alarming point I found Walker to make was that there is an apparent link between sleep deficiency and the epidemic of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder).

If you look at the symptoms of ADHD, “these symptoms are nearly identical to those caused by a lack of sleep,” he reports. He goes on to clarify that although “not every child with ADHD has poor sleep,” research has shown that “more than 50 percent of all children with an ADHD diagnosis actually have a sleep disorder, yet a small fraction know of their sleep condition and its ramifications.”

That percentage seemed so high to me, and especially concerning as parents may not even know their child has a sleep disorder. The main point I see here is to make sure one talks with their family doctor about any possible sleep issues in conjunction with an ADHD diagnosis, as it would be a shame for a child to unknowingly receive treatment for the wrong thing.

But don’t take my word for any of this, as I’m not the sleep expert here. Check out Walker’s research and decide for yourself.

Until you’re able to get your hands on the book (there’s a hefty wait list for it at my local library), click on the list of tips referenced below from NIH Medline Plus* that could help you become a more effective sleeper starting tonight. Walker includes this same list in his book’s Appendix (Twelve Tips for Healthy Sleep).

Now back to my sleep problem. After reading Why We Sleep, I am sleeping better! I’ve been trying out some of the 12 tips myself, which includes cutting out that afternoon coffee run or chocolate treat, not drinking fluids so close to bed time, and shooting for a consistent bed time each night. No easy tasks, mind you, but at least I’m moving in the right direction.

Well that’s all from me today! Best wishes to you for reclaiming your eight hours. In the meantime, may your sheep-counting efforts be fruitful.

~Elizabeth

Tips for Getting a Good Night’s Sleep*

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*Reprinted from NIH Medline Plus (Internet). Bethesda, MD: National Library of Medicine (US); summer 2012. Tips for Getting a Good Night’s Sleep. Available from nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/magazine/issues/summer12/articles/summer12/articles/summer12pg20.html.

I’m a self-professed survivor of Empty Nest Syndrome. Well, technically I’m just a half-survivor since our youngest hasn’t yet graduated from high school. But I’m going with the word survivor nonetheless.

Our oldest left for college last fall (yep, that was about a year ago). It has taken me this long to process how such a milestone affected me, and to understand that even the departure of one child can turn a household sideways. Notice I didn’t say upside down (like the dark world in Stranger Things). That’s because I don’t think an Empty Nest is a bad thing….it’s an adjustment.

From the moment our high school senior confirmed her college choice that spring until we kissed her goodbye at the dorm, our family was caught up in a whirlwind of activity. Everything was super busy with all of the college paperwork, planning and logistics; super celebratory with all of the “end-of” activities like prom, graduation, friends’ grad parties; super fun with cramming in our family adventures and vacation prior to the big Freshman Orientation send-off; and even super organized while shopping for dorm room decor, and making sure we had covered all items on the move-in day checklist (ok, that part was a bit stressful). But all in all it was an enjoyable and memorable time.

Then, in the blink of an eye, I found myself making our daughter’s bed in the dorm room — and poof! We were back at home — where it was oddly quiet. Things felt really strange.

I assumed after drop off that all would pretty much carry on per usual in our home since we weren’t officially going to have an empty nest just yet, but I was wrong. How could my busy life of raising two children as a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) for the past 18 years all of a sudden feel so askew with just one departed child? When I searched online for the definition of Empty Nest Syndrome to try and shed light on this, here’s what good ol’ Wikipedia informed me:

“Empty nest syndrome is a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time, such as to live on their own or to attend a college or university. It is not a clinical condition.”

Whoa, did you catch that last line? The best news yet — it is not a clinical condition! Let’s all take a moment and celebrate that part. Whether it’s your first, only, or last child to fly, take it as a hint that one can get through this thing no matter how sad we may feel at times.

A friend had heard from an experienced empty-nester that the first week was especially hard but then things improve. So the two of us decided to create a 1-week countdown to help get through it — sending each other encouraging texts throughout those first seven days. Just five more days ’til we aren’t feeling down anymore! Then it was just four days! And so on until a week was over. I was definitely feeling less emotional but things still felt off, especially when I walked by my daughter’s quiet, person-less bedroom.

What I soon realized was that I needed to stay busy, but quickly found that busy work alone wasn’t going to cut it. Saying yes to anything that came my way would only make me feel resentful of time wasted if I wasn’t doing something that gave me a sense of purpose.

I enjoyed working on long-overdue house projects for a while, and toyed with the idea of catching up on things like family scrapbooks, but I really needed something just for me. What did the trick was getting more involved in helping others through a philanthropic organization I’ve been dabbling in for the past few years, ramping up my Zumba and swimming routines to stay active, and focusing on my writing efforts as a content creator.

If you work outside the home, that alone may bring you fulfillment. But if this doesn’t describe your situation, that’s fine too. Perhaps you still feel a longing for something more meaningful. And for SAHM’s such as myself, finding something with meaning is imperative to take flight from the Empty Nest Syndrome slump.

Because my mission with litetherapy.org is to exchange helpful ideas and information to make life a little brighter, I have outlined below some tips I have encountered along the way that just might do the trick in helping one overcome Empty Nest Syndrome. No matter where you fall on the Empty Nest spectrum — just starting to feel anxious about your child heading off soon, parent of a recently departed child, or one who’s still struggling with how to re-focus a life with the kids no longer at home — I hope at least one of these proves helpful.

Empty Nest Syndrome Survival Tips

Find a meaningful outlet that gives you a sense of purpose – This can be a tough one! If nothing specific comes to mind at first, think back to what you enjoyed doing when you were younger. What was that thing where you’d lose track of time while doing it? Perhaps it was writing, painting, playing an instrument, running, coding, playing soccer, fishing, sailing, dancing, cooking, etc. If you’re having trouble remembering what that might be, it’s okay to call a parent, sibling, or childhood friend and ask for a clue! Delving back into a former activity you once loved can be heavenly, and may even set you on a path towards a new business opportunity.

If you’re still having trouble identifying how you’d like to spend your newfound free time, don’t despair. Check out this insightful book I enjoyed called, I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was: How to Discover What You Really Want and How to Get It, by Barbara Sher.

No matter how long this step takes, though, try to stay positive that you will soon find your happy place.

Be aware of signs around you – One of my favorite motivational speakers, Wayne Dyer, has been quoted as saying that everything you need you already have. I believe this! For example, I knew I wanted to start writing again and my first blog post, Attitude is Everything, ended up being based on a quote I literally had hanging next to my desk for 13 years. So what I needed then I really did already have! You may also have a clue staring you in the face right now of where your life’s purpose is hiding — you just need to be open to seeing the signs.

Take a class or find a workshop on something of interest – I’m not saying you have to go back to school to get another degree, but taking a class or workshop in an area of interest can be a great way to get motivated on a new path you’ve been considering. Teaching? Horticulture? Counseling? Writing a book? Designer? Property Manager? Restauranteur? The choice is endless. But you’ll never know it’s your true calling until you put your toe in the water and take that first step.

Start an Empty Nest Survivors Club in your friend group or neighborhood – Spending time with friends on a monthly or quarterly basis who are going through the same experience can be therapeutic. This could mean meeting up at a local coffee or yogurt shop, going out for dinner or drinks after work, or gathering at a friend’s home with a new host each month. The choice for connection is yours. Just think twice before inviting Mildred to join in on the conversation, though. You know her – the wet blanket who would rather bring everyone down around her instead of uplift them in a time of need.

Schedule an appointment with a Life Coach – Sometimes having outside perspective on your goals can be helpful in determining the right path. Or just having fresh ears to help articulate or better craft your life’s story can be beneficial. I have a few friends with successful businesses in these areas and would be happy to put you in touch if you’re in need of a referral.

Spend quality time with those still at home

*Start (or increase frequency of!) regular date nights with your spouse or significant other, and remember why you got together in the first place.

*Spend more time with your younger child(ren) – who may not love all the extra attention;) But they may also be missing an older sibling as much as you so focused time might be in order.

*Exercise the dog more or play with other pets who aren’t leash friendly. They will definitely love all the extra attention.

*Make plans to attend Parents Weekend events at your child’s campus which will give you missed hugs to look forward to. And remember, if your college student will be coming home for Thanksgiving or Winter Breaks, you’ll be back together in no time. Feel free to start a countdown calendar for those events now!

Although this past year was difficult for me in some ways, I’m almost grateful for it because it made me confront what I believe makes me the person I am, where my talents lie, and how I prefer to spend my time. I guess that means I feel more like Elizabeth the person now instead of Elizabeth the mom.

Next steps for me? Continue to focus on the daily activities that bring me a sense of purpose. And make a mental note that when our youngest is ready to fly, plan a getaway or something special to look forward to during that first tough week. I’ve heard that helps with the adjustment too.

Honestly, though, I’m not going to stress about having a truly empty nest. I know I’ll survive, just as you will. And as friends with older children ultimately remind me, our kids never really leave us – especially if we plan a fun family vacation! They will be there to join in on the fun.

So best wishes to you all no matter what stage you’re in. And if you’re a recently departed college student reading this, send your parents a text today. Trust me, it will make their day to hear from you.

Elizabeth

P.S. If you have empty nest experience and helpful tips to share, please do so! We’d love to hear what has worked for you.

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